Holiday Fun!

Halloween was so much fun!! Kyson and Aspen are off track, but Sage has a wonderful preschool teacher. She knew that many of the preschooler's siblings were off track, and would not get a party. So, she invited all the siblings to come also. The kids had a blast!

Kyson was a magician. I sewed him a black cape and a cubberbun (sp) He wore a white shirt, black pants. I bought him a wand and a top hat, and we drew a very Clark Gable like mustache on him. Oh my, he was so stinkin cute!

Aspen REALLY wanted to be a flower. I had NO idea how to make that one, and couldnt find it online to buy either. So, we settled for an Earth Fairy that we bought from Lillain vernon. Sage wanted to be a ghost. We couldn't have gotten easier, or cheaper than that!

Tuesday was Farren's work party, so we went to that. They had a spook alley, dinner, games, it was a blast!! The kids loved it!! On Halloween we usually go to my Mother In Laws neighborhood since ours usually does Trunk-Or_Treat. We hate that. Talk about the lazy way to go about getting candy. LOL. Well, MIL also had Trunk or Treat this year, so we were lazy this year. The kids got TONS of candy, and they remembered to say thank you each and everytime. I was so proud of them!!

Oh, last weekend we added a new member to our family. We went to Park City to do some shopping. I needed shoes SO badly. We have gone up 3 or 4 times to get me shoes, but we always blow the budget on the kids, so I never get shoes. Well, this time I just didnt see any I liked. SO, still no shoes. We told the kids we could look in the adoption center if they were good. We always just look. We like this shelter, each animal has a foster parent that they go home with each night, and each animal is at teh shelter a max of like 4 hours. REALLY neat. Well, Farren fell in love with this fiesty kitten. We got her out, and even Sage held her. Sage is afraid of EVERYTHING so we were surprised to say the least.

We played with her for while, then decided to take her home with us. Kyson wanted to name her Ooga Ooga. LOL we settled on Lola. She is a doll and is so sweet and we all just adore her. Yesterday I was worried Sage might be allergic to her, even though we had had her many days. Sages eyes were watery, and her face was red and blotchy. We went to my nephew Jadens Birthday, and she started to look better, so I thought for sure it was the cat. Well, last night while still there she came up and her face was REALLY bad, so then I wasnt sure. I was so sad that we might have to get rid of Lola. This morning she woke up and her face and eyes are great, and she has been playing with Lola all day, so maybe she had something in her system she didn't agree with or something. YEA!!!!!!

Tonight I am doing laundry and starting to pack. My husband and I are taking the kids to Grandma, and we are flying down to Las Vegas for a few nights. YES!!! I have not gone away with my husband alone since Kyson was born. 6 1/2 years ago! The plan is to see Hoover Dam and tour the M&M Factory, Coca Cola plant, see a Jousting show at Excalibur, and see The Phantom of teh Opera at teh Venetician (sp)


I will add Halloween pics when I upload some!

Im ready for a slow down

Okay, not really, but it happened anyways. The kids are off track. I HATE that. I love having them home, but when they dont have school, I dont get up as early in the morning, so that is lazy thing number 1 LOL. Football is over, so now Tuesday has only one thing, and Thursday and Saturdays are open.

I LOVE being super busy. It keeps me active and awake. It keeps me off the computer, and out in the world. Oh well, as things do, it will be busy again, School back, basketball starts, dance recitals, holidays, all that fun stuff.

My wonderful husband is taking me to las Vegas for a few days, just us. How nice is that? This will be there first time since Kyson ws born that we have gone away alone. Kyson is 6. LOL

Not a whole lot going on. Todqay I purged in the playroom. Got rid of SO many toys. a huge garbage bag full and a huge basket full. I have MANY more to get rid of also. I have been giving most away. My play room has so much space right now. With Christmas coming, hat wont last long, but I will take what I can.

PAILS

Today is October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This year, President Bush also marked this, for the first time, as a day of rememberance. Saturday, on the 13th, I went to Salt Lake's 12th Annual Walk To Remember. There were about 250 people at this specific walk. There was one in Layton, and all over the country.

To start, they had a family speak. The Mom spoke first. Her son, I think his name is Trevor, died suddenly at 7 weeks old. She talked about how she would wake up in the middle of the night thinking she heard him cry. It was only when she got to his empty crib, that she would remember he had died. So she would sit in the rocker, and rock his blanket back and forth, like she had with Trevor. My heart broke for her, myself, and the millions of families that go through this. They also went on to have 5 second trimester losses, and many early miscarriages.

Then her husband spoke, and talked about how men are taught to be tough, and not show emotion, and how you have to greive too. Over 90% of marriages that go through a stillbirth or death of a living child in soon in divorce. At a time you should be coming together, marriages are ripped apart.

Then they had a musical number, and we did our walk. Then we got our balloons. As they read each babies name, that family let their balloons go. Everyone was crying. I think Kleenex's stock went up that day.

There was a man there, and I wish I had gone to speak with him. I can not forget him. He was very very elderly. A beautiful man. His beard hung to his knees, and he stood apart from everyone. All alone with one pink balloon. I watched as he released his one balloon, and I felt more moved than I had that entire day. I dont know who he lost, but you can see how much he loves that baby girl, whoever she was.

This was an amazing experiance, and I know I will do it every year.

If I can figure out pictures, I will add those also. You cant see the balloons very well, it was so cloudy and gloomy. There were so many more than what I could capture in a single photo. The close up of the pink ones are Savannah's balloons.

Crazy busy!

That is what we have been around here. This is the first I have sat at the computer other than to check quick emails in almost a week. Kyson got strep throat last Wednesday. He was doing okay, but his throat is very swollen and painful tonight. He is LOVING football, and it is even better that his Dad is the coach. He is also loving school, and is already done with the entire years word lists, even though it is only October.

Aspen is still doing great at Kindergarten. She has some new friends, and plays with them often. She is loving dance as well. Oh boy, is she a drama queen!! She cries ever EVERYTHING. It makes me insane. My neighbor said its because she is a girl, and I will live this til she moves out. Kinda like that Johnsons baby shampoo commercial. The only time the girl wont cry is when she is getting her hair washed.

Sage loves both preschool and tumbling. We are working on finding swim lessons for her also. She needs more activity. She is TERRIFIED of the neighbors dog though. They got the cutest little puppy. She refuses to play with her friends anywhere but our house now. Today I carried her over there, she wanted to try to play, and as soon as I set her down, she scrame bloody murder, which of course makes the puppy come over to investigate. We are working on that.

As for me, I am getting things done for football, and preparing for halloween. Kyson wants to be a magician, and Sage a ghost. I bought fabric for both costumes. Now to sew them. Aspen has no idea what she wants to be. Hopefully something we can buy at the store!! I also want to get more scrapbooking done.

SHARE, which is a group of support for people who have had their baby die either to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, is having their annual "Walk To Remember" my local one is October 13th. They will give us pink balloons, and they will read off Savannah's name and have a moment of rememberance for her, and all other babies who we lost too soon.

Tonight I had a moment to look at my SHARE's website. There was a question there by a woman who is speaking October 15th. That is National misscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss rememberance day. (not the same as Stillbirth rememberance Day) Anyhow, she asked what we wish everyone knew about us, our babies, and the life we live now. Here is my list

I wish everyone knew that my heart hurts.

I wish everyone knew how perfect Savannah is.

I wish everyone knew how guilty I can feel on days that I manage to be happy.

I wish everyone knew that I will forever miss my daughter.

I wish everyone knew that I stumble everytime I am asked how many kids I have.

I wish everyone knew that saying I am young and can have more kids is not helpful.

I wish everyone knew that my husband, myself, and my other children, will never be the same.

I wish everyone knew that when my 3 year old asks them when their baby is going to die, that she isn't being mean or hurtful. She thinks all babies die.

I wish everyone would quit giving me "that look" when she does ask them.

I wish everyone would quit acting like she was never here. Like we never held her, and we never had to let go and bury our baby.

I wish everyone would quit looking uncomfortable if she is mentioned in passing conversation.

I wish everyone knew how devestating this is.

I wish everyone knew that just because I didnt hear her cry, doesnt mean I didn't know Savannah.

I wish everyone knew that when I hear someone with her name, I stop what I am doing, and remove myself from the location. I wish they knew Im not trying to be rude, I just cant handle it.

I wish everyone knew that I try very hard to be happy for other people when they are pregnant or have new babies.

I wish everyone knew how hard it is to smile and pretend like my heart isn't shattering.

I wish everyone knew how scared I am that soon the ground will be covered in snow, and her body will be cold.

I wish everyone knew that I WANT to be asked about my Savannah. Not out of politeness, but because you REALLY want to know.

I wish everyone knew how ashamed I feel that even though I held and loved my Savannah so very much, I couldn't bring myself to kiss her body.

I wish everyone knew what a crappy mom I am because of that. My daughter will go forever without ever feeling her Mother's kiss.



Emily

A person is a person, no matter how small.

Some People LOL

I don't pretend to be perfect. I am far from it. But, on most days, I do have common sense. More importantly, I use it. Yesterday was Sage's first day of tumbling. Sageycakes is 3. They are learning how to walk one foot in front of the other, do summersaults, and crab walk. The teacher is this cute gal, probably 16 or so. I really like her, she was fun and energetic, and she didn't mind when the kids sat down next to her. (We had a teacher who didnt like the kids near her) Anyhow, the whole time, older siblings of these kids were running wild, yelling, screaming, all over the mats and in the tumblers way. None of their parents tried to stop them. I get not having a sitter, I really do. But make your kids behave. It isnt fair to any of the kids in class, and it is completely disrespectful to the teacher.

So, the teacher starts to teach the kids "Donkey Kicks" this is to get them use to having both feet up in the air at once. The kids get on the floor, put both hands on the floor, and kick both feet up together. A Mom came over and very loudly was telling the teacher she doesnt know what she is doing. That you dont teach hand stands that way. She was a gymnist for 12 years and knows more, blah blah blah. The poor teacher kept explaining that she isnt teaching these kids handstands. She is trying to get them use to not having their feet on the ground. The mom wouldnt hear it, she kept coming over and telling the teacher she is wrong and isnt doing it right.

If you have a very specific way you want your child taught, teach them yourself or take them somewhere that follws your ideas of correct. last time we took there, the teacher (different teacher) had all parents and siblings wait in the hall. I think this would be a very good idea.

Today was a busy day. Aspen had dance, which she loved, and Kyson and Farren had tehir first night of football. This was a meet and greet type thing. First practice is tomorrow. My hubby and I are kind of butting heads on a few things, but thats okay. I will step out and let this be his thing. If he doesn't think its normal to have a rotation for snacks after games, then so be it. No big deal.

Tomorrow is picture day at school. I just buy the class photo. I hate the posed headshots with teh boring backgrounds. I much prefer shots with "real" backgrounds. Sage also has preschool tomorrow, which she is THRILLED about. She would go everyday if we let her. Her teacher, Miss Nicole, is great, and they are always doing those fun, messy, projects, like painting.

Tomorrow I am also going to pick up 4 more wedding dresses. Also, a neighbor called me out of the blue today, someone I had never met. We started talking, and I told her about Savannah. She had heard I had a baby in the NICU. She didn't know I get to have an Angel of my very own. Anyways, I told her about our wedding dress project. A while later she called back and said ya know, I cant stop thinking about this. Her husbands job is actually in helping people start non-profit organiztions. She thinks I should get it listed as one, and i can probably get some grants to buy some more sewing machines, a serger, ect. She doesnt know what the listing fees are, they might be a lot, but she is going to check. I would LOVE to start something to do these dresses and also help pay for headstones for these babies. I wasnt expecting that phone call today at all. It was really nice.

A person is a person, no matter how small.

Paradise or misery, I have to choose

I don't understand how people do it. They must be stronger than I am. How do you move on past losing a child that was so wanted? I don't seem to be having much success in that part of my life. People try to sound compassionate and caring, but most probably think I am nuts. No, I do not want to hold your baby. I don't want to hear about how miserable you are being pregnant. I don't want to hear about how your baby always cries. I would give my life if it meant my Savannah could cry all day long. I know people don't mean it to seem that way, but it sounds so ungrateful to have the child you have. I use to be the same way. I had the whole "It will never happen to me" attitude. Boy it was nice to be so ignorant.

So, here I sit, over 5 months later. Everyone has moved on. But I haven't. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't know you would still be upset over that" Yes, I am upset. Your child is not something that you just get over. You stub your toe, you get over it. People say, Well, gosh, you are only 24, it isn't like you can't just have another. She is a person darnit. You can't just go buy a new one. You total a car and get a new one. I can't go to a store and pick out a new child and be over it. I can have 10 more kids, and they will not be her. She is special, wonderful, and irreplacable.

I may sound bitter, and I might be. Jealous would probably be a more appropriate word to use. But I also have a whole other life that I love. That is how i feel. I have my life with all my children, where she is in my mind and heart all the time, just like Kyson, Aspen, and Sage. And I have a life where people expect her to be out of my mind. I feel like those monkeys you see that have their eyes, ears, and mouth covered. The hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Those things. I feel I should see no, speak no, hear no, and do no mention of my sweet baby.

Then sometimes I feel so dang lucky. there is a quote that goes something like this: "Most people only dream of Angels, I held one in my arms" Then I wonder what I have been smoking that I would ever feel lucky to have had my daughter die right before she was born. Something is seriously wrong with that thought. Maybe I just feel lucky that I got to hold and love on her. Not everyone gets that chance.

Other days I catch myself having fun and enjoying my kids. And I stop myself, because I shouldnt feel happy. I should feel miserable. How is that honoring my daughter to go through my life and let her slip out of my mind, and actually enjoy myself? I know how whacked that sounds. I really do. But the point of this is to be honest and say things I wouldnt say to your face, right? So, bear with me in my ramblings.

I talked with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a long time today. She didn't know about Savannah. This was all on IM. I know she wasn't quite sure how to broach the topic when she didnt know what happened, but was curious. She asked about a photo I have on my IM of Savannahs feet. I am SO glad she asked. It really made me feel good, because most people avoid asking how I really am, or talking about Savannah like the plague. So, to that friend, thank you, it really means a lot.

And from that simple IM chat, I posted a picture for her to see. A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was a friend who I have never spoken on the phone with. But he saw my pictures, and he called me, and I chatted (cried) about Savannah, and talked about my other kids til it was time to get Kyson from school. Those twenty minutes meant so much to me. Thank You.

So, its time to end this entry, because I cant see out of my blurry eyes, but I will be back, I am sure.

A person is a person, no matter how small.
Dr. Seuss