I Wish I Had Told Her

Today was the Walk To Remember. I was interviewed by a newspaper reporter. I told her so much, so many things, but as I lay in bed tonight all I can think about is what I wish I had told her. This will likely be full of typos. You see, today I cried my way through my contacts and I dont have glasses, so I came downstairs and adjusted my text on the computer to the larget possible, though it doesn't really help because I can't wait for morning. What if I forget some of the things I wish I'd told her? Part of me wonders if I should have told my story at all, because now today its so raw again, and the memories keep coming back to me so vivid. I can smell her head and hear my own screams again, and it has been 3 1/2 years. So maybe I shouldn't have told her anything, but Im mostly glad I did. I need to put a face to what people don't talk about. But here is what I wish I had told her:

• I wish I had told her that when I was leaving the ultrasound room, after hearing she had died, I could see the looks on people's faces. I knew they had heard my screams, but none of them would look me in the eye. They were staring at me,but avoided SEEING me.
• I wish I had told her I don't have the slightest idea how my husband told our children their sister had died, and I dont even want to know.
• I wish I had told her that when Savannah was finally born I covered my eyes because I was too scared to look at her, but at the same time I was screaming at the nurses to make her cry, PLEASE just make her cry. I can still hear that today, it sounded like it was someone else talking. In fact, it would take MONTHS before it finally hit me that this had happened to ME, and I wasn't watching some sad movie on television. This is my life. And then it got so much worse once I realized this was real.
• I wish I had told her that when I DID hold my Savannah how beautiful she is. And she has her daddy's crooked ear. She was wearing this tiny pink hat and pink gown and was wrapped in a pink fleece blanket. I slept with that blanket for a long time, and one day her smell was gone, and I was so mad. Now it smells like the wooden box it is stored in. But if I think about it, I remember that smell.
• I wish I had told her for a very long time, I would feel so much guilt if I caught myself having fun with my other children. I'd force myself to not have fun anymore, and just fake it for their sake. Fun was off limits.
• I wish I had told her that I didn't realize how sad I looked to other people. I was at Target a few weeks after Savannah's funeral and I was walking out and I heard my name. An old neighbor I had babysat for for years stopped me. First thing out of her mouth is why do you look so sad? I thought Id been doing a pretty good job of hiding it. I guess I was wrong.
• I wish I had told her about the old guy who was at the cemetary one night digging at a grave with a shovel then swatting it with a towel. I told Farren there is no way we are leaving til he was gone. He saw us watching him and came over to talk. He had had two sons who died as children and he was just trimming the grass around tehir headstones and cleaning the dirt off. We were speaking with him and I turned around and Sage was laying on her belly, sprawled out on the grass over Savannah's spot. (her headstone wasm't there yet) I said WHAT are you doing? And she, just 3 at the time says, "Im just giving Savannah a big hug Mama."
• I wish I had told her about the time we decorated Savannah's headstone for Christmas. We had a little tree that was in a ceramic stocking and some other Christmas decorations. We pull up to the cemetray and panic sets in on both our parts. There was snow. LOTS of it. How were we going to find her spot in this. We dug and dug and finally found her spot. We set up the decor and Sage, who was almost 4, INSISTED that she put her ghost that said BOO in Orange and black letters right there with the Christmas decor. It was adorable. We had forgotten the camera.
• I wish I had told her that I now know exactly where the headstone is. No more searching in the snow.
• I wish I had told her that we would go out there every single Sunday and bring flowers. Sometimes we'd go out every day. I wouldn't have told her that we hardly ever go out there anymore unless it is her birthday.
• I wish I had told her everytime we DO go out there, and get in the car to leave, everyone always says "buh bye baby Savannah, we LOVE you" and blow kisses. Then, as we leave the cemetary and drive past baby land on the main road, we say it again. Buh-bye baby Savannah, we LOVE you.

That time of year.

First off, it has been a VERY long day and I'm tired, so maybe I'm more emotional than usual.

Let me also start off by saying that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, so my little Savannah is on my mind more than usual as I see all the AwEsOmE pink and blue ribbons on Facebook. The annual Walk To Remember is coming up soon, and I'm so happy to have the support of a wonderful friend going with me this year, especially since I think it will be the first year Farren can't go. I had to warn her, that is the one day a year I really let myself be outwardly sad. (Is outwardly a word)

Tonight someone on my Facebook posted this link (I hope the owner of this blog doesn't mind)
http://www.formerlyphread.com/2010/10/ten-years-later.html While all of that feels familiar to me, parts of it did more so than others. The parts about not knowing what to say, or, more specifically, what NOT to say. And really, it is all a matter of opinion. What bothers Susie, may not bother me at all, in fact, it may be comforting. And then the things that people are told is "polite" to say can really irk me. It is all a matter of opinion. Really, you shouldn't HAVE to say anything, because this should never happen. You shouldn't HAVE to go in a funeral home and wait for them to pull out the tiniest coffins for you to choose from because they keep them hidden from the general public. They aren't displayed like the "adult" ones. No one wants to think about a sweet, precious baby dying, because it shouldn't happen.

Anyway, as I was reading it, I was greatly reminded of a post I had made, on Savannah's second birthday. I know that that post has stuck with people, because occasionally people will bring up that they no longer tell someone they are sorry for their loss.

here is a piece of that post that the for mentioned blog reminded me of.

I look back and see how we have moved forward, not moved on, but moved forward.I think of phrases people use that I hate. "I am so sorry to hear of your loss" I really hate that one. To lose something implies that you didn't care enough about it to keep track of it. If caring about her was all it took, she would be upstairs in her crib, sleeping in footsie jammies with her blankie and a nightlight. (well, probably not a nightlight, we don't use those) We would be planning another huge party for her, or our upcoming DisneyWorld trip would be her present. She would have a bedroom and countless scrapbooks instead of a cabinet in my living room. The back of my closet wouldn't be full of clothes with the tags still hanging from them and crib bedding that has never been out of the package. We would hear her giggle and tickle her feet and kiss her toes after we cleaned out the "piggie jam"So don't say we lost her. That phrase makes me cringe everytime I hear it, and I will NEVER tell someone whose child has died no matter the circumstance that I am sorry for their loss. Im sorry for their greif, Im sorry for the passing of their child, but not their loss. They know EXACTLY where their child is.


The only thing that has changed about that snippet is my closet is no longer stuffed with her clothes, tags still attached. I still have my 3 favorite outfits but all the other clothes are gone now. I finally gave them away. Nothing else has changed, I still cringe when I hear " Im sorry for your loss"

Running With Angels

So this post has been slow coming. Every year since we had Savannah, we attend the Annual Walk To Remember. It is a wonderful way to remember and honor our Savannah Grace. My Mom attended, getting there just in the nick of time. She went to the Larkin where Savannah is buried, in Sandy, instead of the one where the walk was, in Salt Lake. She got there just as the speaker was finishing up.

The speaker wasn't particularly good this year. The first year was the best speaker so far, and last year they had the man who designed the Christmas Box Angel Statue. This years speaker wasn't very interesting, but it has played a role in my life lately, which I will get back to.

After the speaker, they did a musical number. A man sang "Glory Baby" which happens to be the song that we played at Savannah's service. Of course that brought on the tears. This is the one day a year I let myself be sad. Her Birthday we always do something fun and happy, go to the cemetery and sing her Happy Birthday, and this is my sad day I get each year.

We did the walk and I was honored to be able to release a balloon for my dear friend Jenn and her son Coco Paul. We also released Savannah's balloons. It was really nice.

I saw a woman who I had met once at a SHARE meeting and we figured out that our babies are buried right by one another. Her son Maddox died shortly after birth. It was so nice to see her, and I was THRILLED to see they have another baby boy who is the picture of health. I'm so happy for them.

Now back to the speaker. This woman spoke about needing to DO something with her grief, and get it out in a positive way. So, she started running. Through this she started a 5K that is held each year at Thanksgiving Point called Running With Angels. I knew as soon as she mentioned it, that THIS is something I want to do. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a runner. I struggle with my weight and I am just not a runner. At all. But I AM going to do this. I know I can and I have a darn good reason.

So I started by Googling the race. It will be in May next year, so I have a good chunk of time. Yea! Then I wasn't sure how to get started. I had tried to start jogging a gazillion times, but nothing has stuck, the motivation just wasn't there. So, next I Googled Training for a 5K, and I came across a site called Couch to 5K and it breaks down the running into 9 weeks, and it says that in 9 weeks you should be able to do a 5K, running the whole thing.

I downloaded some pod casts, but the music that went with the timing you need for the program just wasn't my style. Minus some 2pac, I can't stand rap for the most part, but I pushed through it, but couldn't finish the program. I was walking through runs and it was killing me. The next time I made it a bit further and a bit further. I did week one for two weeks. At the middle of the second week (so my 5th time) I could make it through the whole program. I was so proud of myself. Yea!!! Then this last week was busy busy and I havent ran in over a week, so I will start again tonight.

I WILL do this. I know I will. And I would love you guys who are local to run it right there with me.