Ya know, I have gone to start this entry many times over the last few weeks as I begin to think of Savannah and her 2nd Birthday. Everytime I sit down, I change my mind and busy myself with another task I have to do instead. I have put it off, but I can't any longer. Her birthday is in 49 minutes. Technically not til after 2 am, but the day starts in 49 minutes nonetheless.
I look back and see how we have moved forward, not moved on, but moved forward.
I think of phrases people use that I hate. "I am so sorry to hear of your loss" I really hate that one. To lose something implies that you didn't care enough about it to keep track of it. If caring about her was all it took, she would be upstairs in her crib, sleeping in footsie jammies with her blankie and a nightlight. (well, probably not a nightlight, we don't use those) We would be planning another huge party for her, or our upcoming DisneyWorld trip would be her present. She would have a bedroom and countless scrapbooks instead of a cabinet in my living room. The back of my closet wouldn't be full of clothes with the tags still hanging from them and crib bedding that has never been out of the package. We would hear her giggle and tickle her feet and kiss her toes after we cleaned out the "piggie jam"
So don't say we lost her. That phrase makes me cringe everytime I hear it, and I will NEVER tell someone whose child has died no matter the circumstance that I am sorry for their loss. Im sorry for their greif, Im sorry for the passing of their child, but not their loss. They know EXACTLY where their child is.
I have gotten to a point where (minus this week, and an occasion spurt on drives with Mary) that I can talk about her when asked without breaking down completely. I can think back at things the kids have said about her and smile. And the compassion they have puts a smile on my face. Sure, I wish they didnt have to have that experience, but I know they are more caring, loving children because of it. I can see how far they have come as well. We love her and we miss her and would give anything to have her with us, but I know we are okay.
Tomorrow I am sure that we will put the CD of her service in for the drive up to the cemetary and down to orem for dinner. Listen to it a few times at least. Ya know, when we were at Larkin, and Hank (the guy who helped us) asked if we wanted an audio recording of her service. I said okay, but I secretly thought that was so weird. We have 5 CDs (all teh same) now and I am SO grateful to have them. Im sure we will also put in Glory Baby and listen to that a few times too. This is what we played at her service. The words are perfect and I will see if I can get it to play on here. If not, and you want to hear it, its on YOUTUBE.
One of the poems we read at her service is this one. I think its perfect.
Daddy Please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies
Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed His mind.
You see, I am a Special child, and I'm needed up above.
I'm the Special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows.
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there Giving your heart a hug.
So daddy, please don't look so sad, momma don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies
We will go buy lots of balloons. Each kid will pick out some. We will get those and flowers and probably a stuffed animal or something. We will go to the cemetary and sing her Happy Birthday and decorate her headstone just like we did last year. (pics will come soon) We will each send a balloon up to her, and Im sure at least a few of us will cry. As we get in the car and drive away, at least one of the kids will say "Bye Bye Baby Savannah, we LOVE you" and blow a kiss just like they do everytime. And as we drive up and exit teh cemetary, we have to pass by Babyland again, and the kids will say it again, we all will. "ByeBye Baby Savannah, we LOVE you"
Happy Birthday baby girl! We love you!!!
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5 months ago