Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Some People LOL

I don't pretend to be perfect. I am far from it. But, on most days, I do have common sense. More importantly, I use it. Yesterday was Sage's first day of tumbling. Sageycakes is 3. They are learning how to walk one foot in front of the other, do summersaults, and crab walk. The teacher is this cute gal, probably 16 or so. I really like her, she was fun and energetic, and she didn't mind when the kids sat down next to her. (We had a teacher who didnt like the kids near her) Anyhow, the whole time, older siblings of these kids were running wild, yelling, screaming, all over the mats and in the tumblers way. None of their parents tried to stop them. I get not having a sitter, I really do. But make your kids behave. It isnt fair to any of the kids in class, and it is completely disrespectful to the teacher.

So, the teacher starts to teach the kids "Donkey Kicks" this is to get them use to having both feet up in the air at once. The kids get on the floor, put both hands on the floor, and kick both feet up together. A Mom came over and very loudly was telling the teacher she doesnt know what she is doing. That you dont teach hand stands that way. She was a gymnist for 12 years and knows more, blah blah blah. The poor teacher kept explaining that she isnt teaching these kids handstands. She is trying to get them use to not having their feet on the ground. The mom wouldnt hear it, she kept coming over and telling the teacher she is wrong and isnt doing it right.

If you have a very specific way you want your child taught, teach them yourself or take them somewhere that follws your ideas of correct. last time we took there, the teacher (different teacher) had all parents and siblings wait in the hall. I think this would be a very good idea.

Today was a busy day. Aspen had dance, which she loved, and Kyson and Farren had tehir first night of football. This was a meet and greet type thing. First practice is tomorrow. My hubby and I are kind of butting heads on a few things, but thats okay. I will step out and let this be his thing. If he doesn't think its normal to have a rotation for snacks after games, then so be it. No big deal.

Tomorrow is picture day at school. I just buy the class photo. I hate the posed headshots with teh boring backgrounds. I much prefer shots with "real" backgrounds. Sage also has preschool tomorrow, which she is THRILLED about. She would go everyday if we let her. Her teacher, Miss Nicole, is great, and they are always doing those fun, messy, projects, like painting.

Tomorrow I am also going to pick up 4 more wedding dresses. Also, a neighbor called me out of the blue today, someone I had never met. We started talking, and I told her about Savannah. She had heard I had a baby in the NICU. She didn't know I get to have an Angel of my very own. Anyways, I told her about our wedding dress project. A while later she called back and said ya know, I cant stop thinking about this. Her husbands job is actually in helping people start non-profit organiztions. She thinks I should get it listed as one, and i can probably get some grants to buy some more sewing machines, a serger, ect. She doesnt know what the listing fees are, they might be a lot, but she is going to check. I would LOVE to start something to do these dresses and also help pay for headstones for these babies. I wasnt expecting that phone call today at all. It was really nice.

A person is a person, no matter how small.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Paradise or misery, I have to choose

I don't understand how people do it. They must be stronger than I am. How do you move on past losing a child that was so wanted? I don't seem to be having much success in that part of my life. People try to sound compassionate and caring, but most probably think I am nuts. No, I do not want to hold your baby. I don't want to hear about how miserable you are being pregnant. I don't want to hear about how your baby always cries. I would give my life if it meant my Savannah could cry all day long. I know people don't mean it to seem that way, but it sounds so ungrateful to have the child you have. I use to be the same way. I had the whole "It will never happen to me" attitude. Boy it was nice to be so ignorant.

So, here I sit, over 5 months later. Everyone has moved on. But I haven't. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't know you would still be upset over that" Yes, I am upset. Your child is not something that you just get over. You stub your toe, you get over it. People say, Well, gosh, you are only 24, it isn't like you can't just have another. She is a person darnit. You can't just go buy a new one. You total a car and get a new one. I can't go to a store and pick out a new child and be over it. I can have 10 more kids, and they will not be her. She is special, wonderful, and irreplacable.

I may sound bitter, and I might be. Jealous would probably be a more appropriate word to use. But I also have a whole other life that I love. That is how i feel. I have my life with all my children, where she is in my mind and heart all the time, just like Kyson, Aspen, and Sage. And I have a life where people expect her to be out of my mind. I feel like those monkeys you see that have their eyes, ears, and mouth covered. The hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Those things. I feel I should see no, speak no, hear no, and do no mention of my sweet baby.

Then sometimes I feel so dang lucky. there is a quote that goes something like this: "Most people only dream of Angels, I held one in my arms" Then I wonder what I have been smoking that I would ever feel lucky to have had my daughter die right before she was born. Something is seriously wrong with that thought. Maybe I just feel lucky that I got to hold and love on her. Not everyone gets that chance.

Other days I catch myself having fun and enjoying my kids. And I stop myself, because I shouldnt feel happy. I should feel miserable. How is that honoring my daughter to go through my life and let her slip out of my mind, and actually enjoy myself? I know how whacked that sounds. I really do. But the point of this is to be honest and say things I wouldnt say to your face, right? So, bear with me in my ramblings.

I talked with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a long time today. She didn't know about Savannah. This was all on IM. I know she wasn't quite sure how to broach the topic when she didnt know what happened, but was curious. She asked about a photo I have on my IM of Savannahs feet. I am SO glad she asked. It really made me feel good, because most people avoid asking how I really am, or talking about Savannah like the plague. So, to that friend, thank you, it really means a lot.

And from that simple IM chat, I posted a picture for her to see. A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was a friend who I have never spoken on the phone with. But he saw my pictures, and he called me, and I chatted (cried) about Savannah, and talked about my other kids til it was time to get Kyson from school. Those twenty minutes meant so much to me. Thank You.

So, its time to end this entry, because I cant see out of my blurry eyes, but I will be back, I am sure.

A person is a person, no matter how small.
Dr. Seuss