Paradise or misery, I have to choose

I don't understand how people do it. They must be stronger than I am. How do you move on past losing a child that was so wanted? I don't seem to be having much success in that part of my life. People try to sound compassionate and caring, but most probably think I am nuts. No, I do not want to hold your baby. I don't want to hear about how miserable you are being pregnant. I don't want to hear about how your baby always cries. I would give my life if it meant my Savannah could cry all day long. I know people don't mean it to seem that way, but it sounds so ungrateful to have the child you have. I use to be the same way. I had the whole "It will never happen to me" attitude. Boy it was nice to be so ignorant.

So, here I sit, over 5 months later. Everyone has moved on. But I haven't. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't know you would still be upset over that" Yes, I am upset. Your child is not something that you just get over. You stub your toe, you get over it. People say, Well, gosh, you are only 24, it isn't like you can't just have another. She is a person darnit. You can't just go buy a new one. You total a car and get a new one. I can't go to a store and pick out a new child and be over it. I can have 10 more kids, and they will not be her. She is special, wonderful, and irreplacable.

I may sound bitter, and I might be. Jealous would probably be a more appropriate word to use. But I also have a whole other life that I love. That is how i feel. I have my life with all my children, where she is in my mind and heart all the time, just like Kyson, Aspen, and Sage. And I have a life where people expect her to be out of my mind. I feel like those monkeys you see that have their eyes, ears, and mouth covered. The hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Those things. I feel I should see no, speak no, hear no, and do no mention of my sweet baby.

Then sometimes I feel so dang lucky. there is a quote that goes something like this: "Most people only dream of Angels, I held one in my arms" Then I wonder what I have been smoking that I would ever feel lucky to have had my daughter die right before she was born. Something is seriously wrong with that thought. Maybe I just feel lucky that I got to hold and love on her. Not everyone gets that chance.

Other days I catch myself having fun and enjoying my kids. And I stop myself, because I shouldnt feel happy. I should feel miserable. How is that honoring my daughter to go through my life and let her slip out of my mind, and actually enjoy myself? I know how whacked that sounds. I really do. But the point of this is to be honest and say things I wouldnt say to your face, right? So, bear with me in my ramblings.

I talked with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a long time today. She didn't know about Savannah. This was all on IM. I know she wasn't quite sure how to broach the topic when she didnt know what happened, but was curious. She asked about a photo I have on my IM of Savannahs feet. I am SO glad she asked. It really made me feel good, because most people avoid asking how I really am, or talking about Savannah like the plague. So, to that friend, thank you, it really means a lot.

And from that simple IM chat, I posted a picture for her to see. A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was a friend who I have never spoken on the phone with. But he saw my pictures, and he called me, and I chatted (cried) about Savannah, and talked about my other kids til it was time to get Kyson from school. Those twenty minutes meant so much to me. Thank You.

So, its time to end this entry, because I cant see out of my blurry eyes, but I will be back, I am sure.

A person is a person, no matter how small.
Dr. Seuss