Monday, September 17, 2007

Paradise or misery, I have to choose

I don't understand how people do it. They must be stronger than I am. How do you move on past losing a child that was so wanted? I don't seem to be having much success in that part of my life. People try to sound compassionate and caring, but most probably think I am nuts. No, I do not want to hold your baby. I don't want to hear about how miserable you are being pregnant. I don't want to hear about how your baby always cries. I would give my life if it meant my Savannah could cry all day long. I know people don't mean it to seem that way, but it sounds so ungrateful to have the child you have. I use to be the same way. I had the whole "It will never happen to me" attitude. Boy it was nice to be so ignorant.

So, here I sit, over 5 months later. Everyone has moved on. But I haven't. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't know you would still be upset over that" Yes, I am upset. Your child is not something that you just get over. You stub your toe, you get over it. People say, Well, gosh, you are only 24, it isn't like you can't just have another. She is a person darnit. You can't just go buy a new one. You total a car and get a new one. I can't go to a store and pick out a new child and be over it. I can have 10 more kids, and they will not be her. She is special, wonderful, and irreplacable.

I may sound bitter, and I might be. Jealous would probably be a more appropriate word to use. But I also have a whole other life that I love. That is how i feel. I have my life with all my children, where she is in my mind and heart all the time, just like Kyson, Aspen, and Sage. And I have a life where people expect her to be out of my mind. I feel like those monkeys you see that have their eyes, ears, and mouth covered. The hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Those things. I feel I should see no, speak no, hear no, and do no mention of my sweet baby.

Then sometimes I feel so dang lucky. there is a quote that goes something like this: "Most people only dream of Angels, I held one in my arms" Then I wonder what I have been smoking that I would ever feel lucky to have had my daughter die right before she was born. Something is seriously wrong with that thought. Maybe I just feel lucky that I got to hold and love on her. Not everyone gets that chance.

Other days I catch myself having fun and enjoying my kids. And I stop myself, because I shouldnt feel happy. I should feel miserable. How is that honoring my daughter to go through my life and let her slip out of my mind, and actually enjoy myself? I know how whacked that sounds. I really do. But the point of this is to be honest and say things I wouldnt say to your face, right? So, bear with me in my ramblings.

I talked with a friend I hadn't spoken to in a long time today. She didn't know about Savannah. This was all on IM. I know she wasn't quite sure how to broach the topic when she didnt know what happened, but was curious. She asked about a photo I have on my IM of Savannahs feet. I am SO glad she asked. It really made me feel good, because most people avoid asking how I really am, or talking about Savannah like the plague. So, to that friend, thank you, it really means a lot.

And from that simple IM chat, I posted a picture for her to see. A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was a friend who I have never spoken on the phone with. But he saw my pictures, and he called me, and I chatted (cried) about Savannah, and talked about my other kids til it was time to get Kyson from school. Those twenty minutes meant so much to me. Thank You.

So, its time to end this entry, because I cant see out of my blurry eyes, but I will be back, I am sure.

A person is a person, no matter how small.
Dr. Seuss


R said...

Em, I won't even pretend to relate to what all you have endured this year.

I'm assuming the ones who have said they thought you would be "over it" by now have never been through what you have. Hopefully they are well-intentioned but ignorant rather than cruel.

Grief is an interesting thing. It is a legitimate emotion, so don't suppress it to meet someone else's expectations.

But like all other emotions, it has its place. And don't confuse grief with guilt, especially guilt that doesn't apply in your case. You said "Other days I catch myself having fun and enjoying my kids. And I stop myself, because I shouldnt feel happy." True, Savannah was unique. So are Kyson, Aspen, and Sage. And you have every right to enjoy each and every one of your children.

Every day is a new opportunity to pray for God's grace and strength to cling to Him for your support, and enjoy the moments you have with the three oldest children.

So grieve, cry, pray.... and appreciate. *hugs*


StacyTuri said...

Em....Do laugh with your kids, that is a great way to honor Savannah's life. She would want you to be there to comfort and live life with her brother and sisters. Her spirit is in and with all of you, so to laugh and play with Kyson, Aspen, and Sage, is to also laugh and play with Savannah. That might not make sense, and for that I am sorry. Dont get over it and dont forget, but do move forward with your life. Thats what Savannah would have wanted.

Heather said...

Em, I know the devistating loss you feel right now. But please know that it is ok to enjoy your children. It is ok to laugh, smile, have fun. It will take time...your own time and no one elses...for you to heal and be able to carry on without the immense grief you feel, but it will happen.