Monday, October 22, 2007

Im ready for a slow down

Okay, not really, but it happened anyways. The kids are off track. I HATE that. I love having them home, but when they dont have school, I dont get up as early in the morning, so that is lazy thing number 1 LOL. Football is over, so now Tuesday has only one thing, and Thursday and Saturdays are open.

I LOVE being super busy. It keeps me active and awake. It keeps me off the computer, and out in the world. Oh well, as things do, it will be busy again, School back, basketball starts, dance recitals, holidays, all that fun stuff.

My wonderful husband is taking me to las Vegas for a few days, just us. How nice is that? This will be there first time since Kyson ws born that we have gone away alone. Kyson is 6. LOL

Not a whole lot going on. Todqay I purged in the playroom. Got rid of SO many toys. a huge garbage bag full and a huge basket full. I have MANY more to get rid of also. I have been giving most away. My play room has so much space right now. With Christmas coming, hat wont last long, but I will take what I can.

Monday, October 15, 2007


Today is October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This year, President Bush also marked this, for the first time, as a day of rememberance. Saturday, on the 13th, I went to Salt Lake's 12th Annual Walk To Remember. There were about 250 people at this specific walk. There was one in Layton, and all over the country.

To start, they had a family speak. The Mom spoke first. Her son, I think his name is Trevor, died suddenly at 7 weeks old. She talked about how she would wake up in the middle of the night thinking she heard him cry. It was only when she got to his empty crib, that she would remember he had died. So she would sit in the rocker, and rock his blanket back and forth, like she had with Trevor. My heart broke for her, myself, and the millions of families that go through this. They also went on to have 5 second trimester losses, and many early miscarriages.

Then her husband spoke, and talked about how men are taught to be tough, and not show emotion, and how you have to greive too. Over 90% of marriages that go through a stillbirth or death of a living child in soon in divorce. At a time you should be coming together, marriages are ripped apart.

Then they had a musical number, and we did our walk. Then we got our balloons. As they read each babies name, that family let their balloons go. Everyone was crying. I think Kleenex's stock went up that day.

There was a man there, and I wish I had gone to speak with him. I can not forget him. He was very very elderly. A beautiful man. His beard hung to his knees, and he stood apart from everyone. All alone with one pink balloon. I watched as he released his one balloon, and I felt more moved than I had that entire day. I dont know who he lost, but you can see how much he loves that baby girl, whoever she was.

This was an amazing experiance, and I know I will do it every year.

If I can figure out pictures, I will add those also. You cant see the balloons very well, it was so cloudy and gloomy. There were so many more than what I could capture in a single photo. The close up of the pink ones are Savannah's balloons.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Crazy busy!

That is what we have been around here. This is the first I have sat at the computer other than to check quick emails in almost a week. Kyson got strep throat last Wednesday. He was doing okay, but his throat is very swollen and painful tonight. He is LOVING football, and it is even better that his Dad is the coach. He is also loving school, and is already done with the entire years word lists, even though it is only October.

Aspen is still doing great at Kindergarten. She has some new friends, and plays with them often. She is loving dance as well. Oh boy, is she a drama queen!! She cries ever EVERYTHING. It makes me insane. My neighbor said its because she is a girl, and I will live this til she moves out. Kinda like that Johnsons baby shampoo commercial. The only time the girl wont cry is when she is getting her hair washed.

Sage loves both preschool and tumbling. We are working on finding swim lessons for her also. She needs more activity. She is TERRIFIED of the neighbors dog though. They got the cutest little puppy. She refuses to play with her friends anywhere but our house now. Today I carried her over there, she wanted to try to play, and as soon as I set her down, she scrame bloody murder, which of course makes the puppy come over to investigate. We are working on that.

As for me, I am getting things done for football, and preparing for halloween. Kyson wants to be a magician, and Sage a ghost. I bought fabric for both costumes. Now to sew them. Aspen has no idea what she wants to be. Hopefully something we can buy at the store!! I also want to get more scrapbooking done.

SHARE, which is a group of support for people who have had their baby die either to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, is having their annual "Walk To Remember" my local one is October 13th. They will give us pink balloons, and they will read off Savannah's name and have a moment of rememberance for her, and all other babies who we lost too soon.

Tonight I had a moment to look at my SHARE's website. There was a question there by a woman who is speaking October 15th. That is National misscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss rememberance day. (not the same as Stillbirth rememberance Day) Anyhow, she asked what we wish everyone knew about us, our babies, and the life we live now. Here is my list

I wish everyone knew that my heart hurts.

I wish everyone knew how perfect Savannah is.

I wish everyone knew how guilty I can feel on days that I manage to be happy.

I wish everyone knew that I will forever miss my daughter.

I wish everyone knew that I stumble everytime I am asked how many kids I have.

I wish everyone knew that saying I am young and can have more kids is not helpful.

I wish everyone knew that my husband, myself, and my other children, will never be the same.

I wish everyone knew that when my 3 year old asks them when their baby is going to die, that she isn't being mean or hurtful. She thinks all babies die.

I wish everyone would quit giving me "that look" when she does ask them.

I wish everyone would quit acting like she was never here. Like we never held her, and we never had to let go and bury our baby.

I wish everyone would quit looking uncomfortable if she is mentioned in passing conversation.

I wish everyone knew how devestating this is.

I wish everyone knew that just because I didnt hear her cry, doesnt mean I didn't know Savannah.

I wish everyone knew that when I hear someone with her name, I stop what I am doing, and remove myself from the location. I wish they knew Im not trying to be rude, I just cant handle it.

I wish everyone knew that I try very hard to be happy for other people when they are pregnant or have new babies.

I wish everyone knew how hard it is to smile and pretend like my heart isn't shattering.

I wish everyone knew how scared I am that soon the ground will be covered in snow, and her body will be cold.

I wish everyone knew that I WANT to be asked about my Savannah. Not out of politeness, but because you REALLY want to know.

I wish everyone knew how ashamed I feel that even though I held and loved my Savannah so very much, I couldn't bring myself to kiss her body.

I wish everyone knew what a crappy mom I am because of that. My daughter will go forever without ever feeling her Mother's kiss.


A person is a person, no matter how small.