Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Crazy busy!

That is what we have been around here. This is the first I have sat at the computer other than to check quick emails in almost a week. Kyson got strep throat last Wednesday. He was doing okay, but his throat is very swollen and painful tonight. He is LOVING football, and it is even better that his Dad is the coach. He is also loving school, and is already done with the entire years word lists, even though it is only October.

Aspen is still doing great at Kindergarten. She has some new friends, and plays with them often. She is loving dance as well. Oh boy, is she a drama queen!! She cries ever EVERYTHING. It makes me insane. My neighbor said its because she is a girl, and I will live this til she moves out. Kinda like that Johnsons baby shampoo commercial. The only time the girl wont cry is when she is getting her hair washed.

Sage loves both preschool and tumbling. We are working on finding swim lessons for her also. She needs more activity. She is TERRIFIED of the neighbors dog though. They got the cutest little puppy. She refuses to play with her friends anywhere but our house now. Today I carried her over there, she wanted to try to play, and as soon as I set her down, she scrame bloody murder, which of course makes the puppy come over to investigate. We are working on that.

As for me, I am getting things done for football, and preparing for halloween. Kyson wants to be a magician, and Sage a ghost. I bought fabric for both costumes. Now to sew them. Aspen has no idea what she wants to be. Hopefully something we can buy at the store!! I also want to get more scrapbooking done.

SHARE, which is a group of support for people who have had their baby die either to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, is having their annual "Walk To Remember" my local one is October 13th. They will give us pink balloons, and they will read off Savannah's name and have a moment of rememberance for her, and all other babies who we lost too soon.

Tonight I had a moment to look at my SHARE's website. There was a question there by a woman who is speaking October 15th. That is National misscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss rememberance day. (not the same as Stillbirth rememberance Day) Anyhow, she asked what we wish everyone knew about us, our babies, and the life we live now. Here is my list

I wish everyone knew that my heart hurts.

I wish everyone knew how perfect Savannah is.

I wish everyone knew how guilty I can feel on days that I manage to be happy.

I wish everyone knew that I will forever miss my daughter.

I wish everyone knew that I stumble everytime I am asked how many kids I have.

I wish everyone knew that saying I am young and can have more kids is not helpful.

I wish everyone knew that my husband, myself, and my other children, will never be the same.

I wish everyone knew that when my 3 year old asks them when their baby is going to die, that she isn't being mean or hurtful. She thinks all babies die.

I wish everyone would quit giving me "that look" when she does ask them.

I wish everyone would quit acting like she was never here. Like we never held her, and we never had to let go and bury our baby.

I wish everyone would quit looking uncomfortable if she is mentioned in passing conversation.

I wish everyone knew how devestating this is.

I wish everyone knew that just because I didnt hear her cry, doesnt mean I didn't know Savannah.

I wish everyone knew that when I hear someone with her name, I stop what I am doing, and remove myself from the location. I wish they knew Im not trying to be rude, I just cant handle it.

I wish everyone knew that I try very hard to be happy for other people when they are pregnant or have new babies.

I wish everyone knew how hard it is to smile and pretend like my heart isn't shattering.

I wish everyone knew how scared I am that soon the ground will be covered in snow, and her body will be cold.

I wish everyone knew that I WANT to be asked about my Savannah. Not out of politeness, but because you REALLY want to know.

I wish everyone knew how ashamed I feel that even though I held and loved my Savannah so very much, I couldn't bring myself to kiss her body.

I wish everyone knew what a crappy mom I am because of that. My daughter will go forever without ever feeling her Mother's kiss.



Emily

A person is a person, no matter how small.

4 comments:

jo and neil said...

Emily you write beautifully and all of our feelings are incredibly valid and real. Never let anyone tell you differently. I wish I could say something which could help your pain to diminish but I know that I cannot. You write beautifully and from the heart. I want you to know that I think of you and your family often.
Jo(von90ish sahp)

jo and neil said...

That should read your not our sorry.
jo

Melanie-Mom2RandC said...

Em, I know Savannah sees what a wonderful mom you are to her big brother and sisters. It has to be so special for that little angel to look down and see her mommy being the best that she can be for her family. I also believe without a doubt that a time will come when you'll be able to give her more kisses than you can count <3

chaossurroundsme said...

hi, i came across your blog because i am a member of CMAD the msn group. And i saw this posted in the blaghs portion of the site. I noticed you said you want people to ask you about Savannah, mind if i do? I have never experienced such a loss and i cant even phathem, however i lost a nephew to stillbirth at 5 months gestation and that was devistating enough i cant imagine what my sister went through or what other mothers who have experienced it go through. I hope i dont upset you or get offended but i thought i might ask if you'd share your story with me. thanx.. Kacey.. aka ravenseek from CMAD