A Joyful Heart

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the attitude I have when I am doing yet another chore. Cooking yet another meal, washing another load of laundry, answering another phone call. Eventually these things become mundane, and I catch myself dreading the things I have to get done while my kids are at school. I would much rather have the kids home with me. Hearing the playful teasing as I beat Kyson at Yahtzee (again) Seeing my beautiful girls play house with their baby dolls, and everyone piled on each other as I read them the same stories I have since they were babies. (Where The Wild Things are (we've gone through multiple copies) You are My I Love You (my favorite) and Love You Forever get read more than every other book combined.) These are the things I love. Hearing the laughter, seeing the smiles, and soothing the tears.

The other side of Mothering is not my favorite. Washing clothes and scrubbing floors (Though my steam mop makes that a breeze) are things I often think I would be totally fine if I never had to do them again. But, when I think about it, I realize how easy I have it. All I have to do is push a button and my clothes are washed. So much easier than the mothers before me. More importantly, I am so very lucky to have the opportunity to do these things because I am so very fortunate to be a mother. From now on, I am trying to do these tasks with a smile on my face and a joyful heart.

This also collides with other areas of my life. I was having "volunteer burnout" After serving as PTA President for two years, (technically just one, but I filled in for one who disappeared) I stopped volunteering as often. I no longer had a happy spirit when I was there. Instead I felt like I was there more than I was home. I wasn't happy with it and my husband wasn't either. My kids would groan when they found out I had a school obligation. I knew I needed to serve with joy in my heart and I just couldn't get there. I realized, however, that there are other areas that I can serve others and by doing something new I wasn't feeling the burnout that I had been. It didn't matter WHERE I was serving, what matters is that I serve and serve joyfully. So I do. I took the kids and we worked at the Utah Food Bank. It was a great teaching tool for the kids, and I very much enjoy being there. We will be returning very soon. Teaching my children to serve others selflessly and with a joyful heart is important to me. There is so much more to life than what happens in our home. The world is such a large place, and we need to do what we can to help out, not because it is a requirement; but because we want to and it brings us joy.

When I find my children *gasp* fighting I usually start by saying something like "Remember to be loving and kind and happy to share" When I ask them to do something and they complain, I try to remind them they need to help out with a smile on their face and joy in their heart. Lately, however, I find myself reminding them ALL. THE. TIME. And it doesn't always work, especially with my son. I find myself getting more irritated than I should. This morning I was on the phone with my Mom and Sage was trying to talk to me. I'm embarrassed to say that while I didn't yell at her or anything, I didn't use the nicest tone of voice as I told her to wait, even though she knows better. I need to remember that when you are seven, (or 28) sometimes you forget the right thing to do, and manners are forgotten.

So this week I am going to work on doing the things I don't want to do with a joyful heart. Wether I am scrubbing a toilet or disciplining my children, I need to remember how lucky I am to have the ability to do both and it should be done with a good attitude and a joyful heart.

Disney World 2011

In late January I was fortunate enough to be able to take the kids to Walt Disney World in Florida again. This is my favorite place on Earth, I could go every month if our budget allowed. (It doesn't) Anyhow, I found a marvelous deal which included free dining!! We were able to experience so many things we otherwise wouldnt be able to. One such thing was eating at Coral Reef restraunt in Epcot. The kids were super excited because they filmed an episode of Full House in this particular location. I was excited because I LOVE sea food!!

As we were being seated, the kids mentioned to the host that they had seen it on Full House. Well, they were in luck. We were sat at the exact same table, right next to the glass. It was awesome. We saw scuba divers, sea turtles, sharks, and so much more. Of course, I had left the camera in the hotel room that evening, so Im lacking pictures.

The kids LOVE Pin Trading!!

Another awesome dining experience was Chef Mickey's. SUPER fun character interaction. We LOVED Chef Mickey's!!!!! Chef Mickey's

We also were able to go to the Luau at the Polynesian. It reminded me of the cultral center in Hawaii and was great. The food was delish and the show was so fun!!

The BEST dining experience we wouldn't have otherwise done was dining in Cinderella's Castle. It was amzing and now I know why reservations are booked 6 months out. The food was awesome, and the atmosphere was not lacking. VERY cool experience, even Kyson loved it. (Though he is excited they are opening a Beasts Castle that wont be so girly, and is looking forward to eating there)

Sage was VERY determined to meet Rapunzel and Flynn Rider. They only allow X amount of people to meet them each showing, and the current showing was full so we got in line and waited for the next showing to begin. I warned Sage it was going to be over 90 minutes, but she didn't care. She just wanted to meet Rapunzel (she is currently working on growing her hair as long as Rapunzel's) When she finally met Rapunzel and Flynn Rider she was so excited, and it was well worth the VERY long wait. (At least in her opinion)

I had spent months making the kids custom clothes for the trip (which was a surprise BTW) I think the outfits turned out adorable, and I had quite a few people stop and ask where they could purchase the same outfits, so that was cool!! (I hired someone to make the hats)

Disney's awesome cleaning crew would make pictures with their hoses. SO cool!!
Fighting the troll in Norway

Kyson on Big Thunder Mountain Rail Road We found a paint brush on Tom Sawyer's Island.

That quickly became the first thing to do in Magic Kingdom

We had 11 nights of all things Disney. This time we stayed at Caribbean Beach Resort. The atmosphere was super cool, Sandy beaches, hidden hammocks, it was great, but I wasn't a fan of the room. It had seen better days for sure. The grounds are better here, but the room was better our last stay. The kids LOVED the pirate ship pool. I loved the hammocks (minus the couple making out a LITTLE too aggressivley next to me) WONDERFUL time!! I cant wait to get back, hopefully in Fall of 2012 when the Fantasy Land expansion is complete. Aspen wants to stay at the Grand Floridian, but unless I play and win the lotto, that won't be happening!!!!

Happy Birthday Sage!!

We have been so busy I haven't even had time to update about Sage's birthday. She turned SEVEN years old in January. Amazing huh? One thing she wanted to do was her own photo shoot, no one else. Here are a few of the amazing pictures......

We have come so far with Sage. From a few health scares to this amazing young lady we have today. She has always done things on her own pace, and her pace is fast. From deciding to be born when no doctors were present to zooming her bike up the sidewalk, when she wants to do something, so does. No stopping this Princess! She is so kind and generous to everyone. She adores babies and is happiest holding her baby cousins or the neighbors baby. We love Sage and we are so blessed to have her in our family. How lucky we are.

It was so sad. She was so sick on her birthday. She wanted to go out to dinner so bad though. She hadn't gotten "sick" for about 8 hours so I said okay. Not a smart move on my part, she got very sick all over the restraunt. Oops.

We didnt have a big party for her. We told her no party because she had a huge party last year, but really the reason was we were going to Walt Disney World on a surprise vacation, and I had a "dream surprise" waiting for her there!!

FAMILY PICTURES!!!!

I always do my own pictures. They turn out pretty good, but I wanted a change of scenery. Kyson is also at the age where its humorous for him to not cooperate with mom. So, I bought new clothes and stuck them in the closet. They weren't about to wear them til pictures were done. I knew I wanted to use FotoFly, I had seen their work and it was AwEsOmE!!

Bad news is they are booked through mid January. I was on facebook yesterday and saw they had a cancellation. I called and YEA!! I got an appointment!! The staff was SO nice and looking at their wall of work, well, lets just say I already booked another session for next month for Sages 7 year pictures. (YES she is going to be 7)

Go to http://www.simplephoto.com/SC/index.cfm?fuseaction=Vendor&vid=22203&fn=FotoFly

and enter in code

20101659Jensen to view pictures. You can click up top to do it as a slide show. I am SO excited about these pictures!!

Life is Crazy!

There is no other way to say it! We are always busy, and I rarely have my camera with me, so no pictures today. We had the Walk to Remember and I will post about that later. Its awesome having such awesome friends to come support you through this.

Friday night my kids went to go see Thriller. They had a blast and love going each year!

Saturday was a Trunk or Treat for our playgroup. Lots of fun in the pouring rain!! the kids got many treats, and I was VERY proud of them. A few children arrived late, after most people had left, so my children sat down and opened their bags and let these other kids trick or treat from their stash. Awesome!! I didn't take ANY pictures, so I will make sure I will get pictures soon!

Sunday. Well, even though it was only 2 days ago, I can't remember what we did. Couldn't have been too exciting!!

Monday was my birthday and my little brother, Victor, watched the kids while Farren and I went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch. It is one of my favorite spots, but my darling husband just isn't a fan. I promise not to drag him there again!!!! Then we raced home and got the girls ready for dance class. They ADORE their dance teacher and were very excited to dress up in costume for dance!! After they got finished at dance we raced to the airport to pick up my In-Laws from their 15 day tour of China and it's surrounding areas. We brought them home and the kids are loaded with souviners. Lots of fun! It was LATE by now and we still had more to do, so we race back home to have birthday cake then fell into bed. Woosh! What a busy day yesterday was!!

Now if I can just get up the motivation to get some sewing done on my Carseat Canopies for the upcoming boutique Id be all set, but, I have other things I want to sew, so it is making it hard to find the motivation to get these one sewn!!

I Wish I Had Told Her

Today was the Walk To Remember. I was interviewed by a newspaper reporter. I told her so much, so many things, but as I lay in bed tonight all I can think about is what I wish I had told her. This will likely be full of typos. You see, today I cried my way through my contacts and I dont have glasses, so I came downstairs and adjusted my text on the computer to the larget possible, though it doesn't really help because I can't wait for morning. What if I forget some of the things I wish I'd told her? Part of me wonders if I should have told my story at all, because now today its so raw again, and the memories keep coming back to me so vivid. I can smell her head and hear my own screams again, and it has been 3 1/2 years. So maybe I shouldn't have told her anything, but Im mostly glad I did. I need to put a face to what people don't talk about. But here is what I wish I had told her:

• I wish I had told her that when I was leaving the ultrasound room, after hearing she had died, I could see the looks on people's faces. I knew they had heard my screams, but none of them would look me in the eye. They were staring at me,but avoided SEEING me.
• I wish I had told her I don't have the slightest idea how my husband told our children their sister had died, and I dont even want to know.
• I wish I had told her that when Savannah was finally born I covered my eyes because I was too scared to look at her, but at the same time I was screaming at the nurses to make her cry, PLEASE just make her cry. I can still hear that today, it sounded like it was someone else talking. In fact, it would take MONTHS before it finally hit me that this had happened to ME, and I wasn't watching some sad movie on television. This is my life. And then it got so much worse once I realized this was real.
• I wish I had told her that when I DID hold my Savannah how beautiful she is. And she has her daddy's crooked ear. She was wearing this tiny pink hat and pink gown and was wrapped in a pink fleece blanket. I slept with that blanket for a long time, and one day her smell was gone, and I was so mad. Now it smells like the wooden box it is stored in. But if I think about it, I remember that smell.
• I wish I had told her for a very long time, I would feel so much guilt if I caught myself having fun with my other children. I'd force myself to not have fun anymore, and just fake it for their sake. Fun was off limits.
• I wish I had told her that I didn't realize how sad I looked to other people. I was at Target a few weeks after Savannah's funeral and I was walking out and I heard my name. An old neighbor I had babysat for for years stopped me. First thing out of her mouth is why do you look so sad? I thought Id been doing a pretty good job of hiding it. I guess I was wrong.
• I wish I had told her about the old guy who was at the cemetary one night digging at a grave with a shovel then swatting it with a towel. I told Farren there is no way we are leaving til he was gone. He saw us watching him and came over to talk. He had had two sons who died as children and he was just trimming the grass around tehir headstones and cleaning the dirt off. We were speaking with him and I turned around and Sage was laying on her belly, sprawled out on the grass over Savannah's spot. (her headstone wasm't there yet) I said WHAT are you doing? And she, just 3 at the time says, "Im just giving Savannah a big hug Mama."
• I wish I had told her about the time we decorated Savannah's headstone for Christmas. We had a little tree that was in a ceramic stocking and some other Christmas decorations. We pull up to the cemetray and panic sets in on both our parts. There was snow. LOTS of it. How were we going to find her spot in this. We dug and dug and finally found her spot. We set up the decor and Sage, who was almost 4, INSISTED that she put her ghost that said BOO in Orange and black letters right there with the Christmas decor. It was adorable. We had forgotten the camera.
• I wish I had told her that I now know exactly where the headstone is. No more searching in the snow.
• I wish I had told her that we would go out there every single Sunday and bring flowers. Sometimes we'd go out every day. I wouldn't have told her that we hardly ever go out there anymore unless it is her birthday.
• I wish I had told her everytime we DO go out there, and get in the car to leave, everyone always says "buh bye baby Savannah, we LOVE you" and blow kisses. Then, as we leave the cemetary and drive past baby land on the main road, we say it again. Buh-bye baby Savannah, we LOVE you.

That time of year.

First off, it has been a VERY long day and I'm tired, so maybe I'm more emotional than usual.

Let me also start off by saying that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, so my little Savannah is on my mind more than usual as I see all the AwEsOmE pink and blue ribbons on Facebook. The annual Walk To Remember is coming up soon, and I'm so happy to have the support of a wonderful friend going with me this year, especially since I think it will be the first year Farren can't go. I had to warn her, that is the one day a year I really let myself be outwardly sad. (Is outwardly a word)

Tonight someone on my Facebook posted this link (I hope the owner of this blog doesn't mind)
http://www.formerlyphread.com/2010/10/ten-years-later.html While all of that feels familiar to me, parts of it did more so than others. The parts about not knowing what to say, or, more specifically, what NOT to say. And really, it is all a matter of opinion. What bothers Susie, may not bother me at all, in fact, it may be comforting. And then the things that people are told is "polite" to say can really irk me. It is all a matter of opinion. Really, you shouldn't HAVE to say anything, because this should never happen. You shouldn't HAVE to go in a funeral home and wait for them to pull out the tiniest coffins for you to choose from because they keep them hidden from the general public. They aren't displayed like the "adult" ones. No one wants to think about a sweet, precious baby dying, because it shouldn't happen.

Anyway, as I was reading it, I was greatly reminded of a post I had made, on Savannah's second birthday. I know that that post has stuck with people, because occasionally people will bring up that they no longer tell someone they are sorry for their loss.

here is a piece of that post that the for mentioned blog reminded me of.

I look back and see how we have moved forward, not moved on, but moved forward.I think of phrases people use that I hate. "I am so sorry to hear of your loss" I really hate that one. To lose something implies that you didn't care enough about it to keep track of it. If caring about her was all it took, she would be upstairs in her crib, sleeping in footsie jammies with her blankie and a nightlight. (well, probably not a nightlight, we don't use those) We would be planning another huge party for her, or our upcoming DisneyWorld trip would be her present. She would have a bedroom and countless scrapbooks instead of a cabinet in my living room. The back of my closet wouldn't be full of clothes with the tags still hanging from them and crib bedding that has never been out of the package. We would hear her giggle and tickle her feet and kiss her toes after we cleaned out the "piggie jam"So don't say we lost her. That phrase makes me cringe everytime I hear it, and I will NEVER tell someone whose child has died no matter the circumstance that I am sorry for their loss. Im sorry for their greif, Im sorry for the passing of their child, but not their loss. They know EXACTLY where their child is.


The only thing that has changed about that snippet is my closet is no longer stuffed with her clothes, tags still attached. I still have my 3 favorite outfits but all the other clothes are gone now. I finally gave them away. Nothing else has changed, I still cringe when I hear " Im sorry for your loss"