Saturday, October 16, 2010

I Wish I Had Told Her

Today was the Walk To Remember. I was interviewed by a newspaper reporter. I told her so much, so many things, but as I lay in bed tonight all I can think about is what I wish I had told her. This will likely be full of typos. You see, today I cried my way through my contacts and I dont have glasses, so I came downstairs and adjusted my text on the computer to the larget possible, though it doesn't really help because I can't wait for morning. What if I forget some of the things I wish I'd told her? Part of me wonders if I should have told my story at all, because now today its so raw again, and the memories keep coming back to me so vivid. I can smell her head and hear my own screams again, and it has been 3 1/2 years. So maybe I shouldn't have told her anything, but Im mostly glad I did. I need to put a face to what people don't talk about. But here is what I wish I had told her:

  • I wish I had told her that when I was leaving the ultrasound room, after hearing she had died, I could see the looks on people's faces. I knew they had heard my screams, but none of them would look me in the eye. They were staring at me,but avoided SEEING me.
  • I wish I had told her I don't have the slightest idea how my husband told our children their sister had died, and I dont even want to know.
  • I wish I had told her that when Savannah was finally born I covered my eyes because I was too scared to look at her, but at the same time I was screaming at the nurses to make her cry, PLEASE just make her cry. I can still hear that today, it sounded like it was someone else talking. In fact, it would take MONTHS before it finally hit me that this had happened to ME, and I wasn't watching some sad movie on television. This is my life. And then it got so much worse once I realized this was real.
  • I wish I had told her that when I DID hold my Savannah how beautiful she is. And she has her daddy's crooked ear. She was wearing this tiny pink hat and pink gown and was wrapped in a pink fleece blanket. I slept with that blanket for a long time, and one day her smell was gone, and I was so mad. Now it smells like the wooden box it is stored in. But if I think about it, I remember that smell.
  • I wish I had told her for a very long time, I would feel so much guilt if I caught myself having fun with my other children. I'd force myself to not have fun anymore, and just fake it for their sake. Fun was off limits.
  • I wish I had told her that I didn't realize how sad I looked to other people. I was at Target a few weeks after Savannah's funeral and I was walking out and I heard my name. An old neighbor I had babysat for for years stopped me. First thing out of her mouth is why do you look so sad? I thought Id been doing a pretty good job of hiding it. I guess I was wrong.
  • I wish I had told her about the old guy who was at the cemetary one night digging at a grave with a shovel then swatting it with a towel. I told Farren there is no way we are leaving til he was gone. He saw us watching him and came over to talk. He had had two sons who died as children and he was just trimming the grass around tehir headstones and cleaning the dirt off. We were speaking with him and I turned around and Sage was laying on her belly, sprawled out on the grass over Savannah's spot. (her headstone wasm't there yet) I said WHAT are you doing? And she, just 3 at the time says, "Im just giving Savannah a big hug Mama."
  • I wish I had told her about the time we decorated Savannah's headstone for Christmas. We had a little tree that was in a ceramic stocking and some other Christmas decorations. We pull up to the cemetray and panic sets in on both our parts. There was snow. LOTS of it. How were we going to find her spot in this. We dug and dug and finally found her spot. We set up the decor and Sage, who was almost 4, INSISTED that she put her ghost that said BOO in Orange and black letters right there with the Christmas decor. It was adorable. We had forgotten the camera.
  • I wish I had told her that I now know exactly where the headstone is. No more searching in the snow.
  • I wish I had told her that we would go out there every single Sunday and bring flowers. Sometimes we'd go out every day. I wouldn't have told her that we hardly ever go out there anymore unless it is her birthday.
  • I wish I had told her everytime we DO go out there, and get in the car to leave, everyone always says "buh bye baby Savannah, we LOVE you" and blow kisses. Then, as we leave the cemetary and drive past baby land on the main road, we say it again. Buh-bye baby Savannah, we LOVE you.

1 comment:

Merrilee said...

Emily, what a touching memory. I love you!